Something I have grappled with intensively recently is control over myself. I have a state of mind where I am thinking about everything I do with a magnifying glass. It’s as if the second I have a thought, ambition or intention, my mind pounces upon it and keeps it in a chokehold, analysing it unto unconsciousness. I don’t enter into study or reading, or any form of deep concentration, as I have an irrational fear of becoming lost in isolation.
It is true that around two years ago I was suffering from compulsive reading to maintain my last vestiges of sanity. I became extremely isolated. However, entering into reading now won’t result in the same outcomes. I must realise this right now.
I need become totally unafraid of acting in a way that I feel is right for myself. I am trying to pin down what it is I am actually afraid of. It is difficult to put words together. If I were to follow Tolle’s ideas, it would be that in some way I am fearing my chances of survival by partaking in a certain activity. It may be my mind trying to remind me that the last time I intensively studied I indeed fell into psychosis. However, this wasn’t the fault of the study, but the fault of my psychological development at the time.
There is a certain point in your life when you need to take total control of your decisions. This is simply adult responsibility. I have great ambitions that I want to carry out. They are all still so abstract, but I want them to develop. Even with a number of physical setbacks, I simply need to do these things I wish to do. Lack of control of your own actions and emotions is the most frustrating aspect of my life, and I will work unceasingly on taking control.
It is true that around two years ago I was suffering from compulsive reading to maintain my last vestiges of sanity. I became extremely isolated. However, entering into reading now won’t result in the same outcomes. I must realise this right now.
I need become totally unafraid of acting in a way that I feel is right for myself. I am trying to pin down what it is I am actually afraid of. It is difficult to put words together. If I were to follow Tolle’s ideas, it would be that in some way I am fearing my chances of survival by partaking in a certain activity. It may be my mind trying to remind me that the last time I intensively studied I indeed fell into psychosis. However, this wasn’t the fault of the study, but the fault of my psychological development at the time.
There is a certain point in your life when you need to take total control of your decisions. This is simply adult responsibility. I have great ambitions that I want to carry out. They are all still so abstract, but I want them to develop. Even with a number of physical setbacks, I simply need to do these things I wish to do. Lack of control of your own actions and emotions is the most frustrating aspect of my life, and I will work unceasingly on taking control.